What I learned from being Intentionally Single for a year.

I started 2020 in a relationship. This relationship was one that truly challenged me because it was the first relationship that I felt like I had to do “the work,” you know? It was one that truly affirmed what I believed love could be, and look like. It was extremely uncomfortable because it forced me to let my guard down and be open to receiving the type of love that I prayed for.

I believe the relationship suffered because of self-sabotaging behaviors on both ends, and at the time, it was best to follow our intuitions and take a break.

It wasn’t until some weeks went by after the breakup that I truly looked at the way I communicated and expressed myself within this relationship. Did I communicate effectively? Was I listening to be a compassionate listener and to understand? Not at all. Why did this relationship trigger me so much?

I noticed a trend. I was immediately offended during our disagreements. I was offended at the thought that I could be wrong and someone could have a different perspective from mine. Why did I want to always be right? Why couldn’t I listen to someone sharing their “not so good” emotions about me, without me putting my wall up and shutting down?

I believe that my relationships in the past were extremely different than this one. I showed up more in my masculinity in the past. Completely walking over my partners. It’s interesting because these relationships never worked because I always wanted to show up more in my femininity.

So fast forward to my last relationship. I was connected with someone who finally allowed me to show up in my femininity, but I realized it was difficult for me to do so. Extremely difficult.

Once this relationship ended, and I was able to reflect that maybe I’m not really the “victim” here. I decided that some self-work MUST happen if I want to break generational curses, and have peace, harmony, and divinity in my relationships.

I noticed in the past, I used dating as a crutch... as a distraction. I believe 2020 and the pandemic really helped with “not dating” because I’ve been extremely paranoid about catching the virus, meaning I’ve been extremely intentional with who I trust in my space. So I knew I wouldn’t be meeting up with anyone I met until I really got to know them... but did I even have the energy to get to know anyone? Absolutely not lol.

I decided that instead of having small talk with men just because I’m bored, why not get to know, get to like, and get to love myself a little deeper?

And that’s what I did. Thank God for my therapist!!! If you are interested in therapy but you’re not sure where to start, I would recommend checking out psychologytoday.com.

Therapy really helped me realize that I am loveable. I am healing, but I am not broken. Pieces of my puzzle are still being put together, but I am not broken. I am whole. I am worthy. I am deserving. I HAVE A VOICE. My thoughts and feelings are valid. There is nothing I need to prove. I am in no rush to be in a relationship because I am valuable and worthy as a single woman as well.

In the past, I noticed I not only thought that being in a relationship and being connected to someone gave me identity. I also held much value in my work, and my title, because I believed my work gave me identity as well.

Therapy and prioritizing self-love helped me connect with myself, and helped me find my own identity. I have value and importance and meaning without a partner and without my work.

What do I like about me? What do I love about me? What do I like to do? Who am I?

It may sound silly, but I couldn’t give a straight answer to these questions in the past without mentioning my work or my partner.

I challenge you to ask yourself these questions and reflect on your answers.

I’ve always wanted life to make sense, you know? However, I believe the power in releasing the need to control and releasing wanting things to make sense has really helped me to surrender to divine timing. It doesn’t have to make sense. So what if it doesn’t make sense. That’s what makes life exciting and a thrill.

As I reflected on my self-sabotaging behaviors, I also noticed I’ve failed to communicate effectively within my friendships. I’ve noticed some healing and conversations that needed to be had with my parents. I’ve been able to enforce boundaries and prioritize my peace. I noticed that I can no longer continue to be “cordial” with people at the expense of my peace. I don’t desire to be nice anymore. I only desire to be kind. Prioritizing my peace is my first priority always. If I don’t pick me first, who will?

This feels good. It feels authentic. It feels necessary. It feels like harmony.

I believe that self-love has truly been my healing, especially this year.

I understand the healing never stops. I am now committed to looking outside of myself within my relationships. If I am in relationship with you, platonic or romantic, I am committed to understanding you. I am intentional about every conversation. I understand that confrontation doesn’t have to be negative. Healthy confrontation is a thing. A good thing!

Cultivating divine inner union has led me to be intentional about my divine relationships.

I understand that I am still healing, and the healing will never stop. But at this moment I trust myself not to self-sabotage my next relationship. I trust myself with the tools I’ve learned this year. I trust me. I believe I am worthy of cultivating a beautiful love, and I am ready and open to see how that shows up. I am excited to enjoy this ride.

Here’s to harmony 🥂

Sending you all my love on your journey.

Happy New Year!

Xo,

Ry